I used to be awake and aware of every single moment of my life. Even sleep, it was special, appreciated. Life was executed perfectly each and every day. Life was simple- I had none of the usual trappings- but my mind was rich with being able to get enjoyment out of the simple things whilst at the same time entertaining dreams to continue this wonderful life but in freedom, as young as I possibly could, not wanting to be like my mother or grandmother, gone before they had 'time' to explore whatever they might have wanted to explore out of this life.

And now.
As soon as I wake up, what comes flooding back to me are all the thousands of moments that I used to wake up LOVING LIFE. Right from the get-go of a morning, I was bouncy, happy, positive, IN THE NOW, and most important of all, appreciating the morning rise of the sun bringing along with it a new day - don't tell me about the now, I practically invented it with the way I lived- the focus I gave to everything I did, from making coffee of a morning, to checking up to four supermarkets in the hunt for the cheapest cabbage, yes, don't tell me about 'the now' because you took me out of that now and put me into yours and expected me to 'relax' when my now still involved the boat - 'why does he keep encouraging me to fix it and to buy things for it'....I took my dream out of the water for our love in March 2008, did he think that meant nothing to me, that he meant nothing to me'.

Jesus Christ, did you hear that Miss Daisy, I hate my life, it has gone from being one of the best lived on the planet taking into account the limited resources I was born with, including intelligence, I am, for sure, a very ordinary person, to this, to waking up in a beautiful ancient cloud forests, the sun bright, so many 'shots' I could take this morning if inspired, and all I can think about is riding my bike of a winter's night in Japan, riding back from school, up the hill, down the hill, past the post office where I would then send some boxes to my new home in Flagstaff, and all the time I was riding that bike with my warm boots on and favourite hat that is far from me now, was, 'this will all be worth it, I will be with the man I love, it has been a nightmare to get to this point, but it will be worth it, we will have many years together and I can finally relax' because I thought that he would eventually marry me, that he had finally seen just how stressful it was to go back and forth into his country, it's no joke crossing borders and entering the US, and then look what happened, this is now Year Four of a great life shattered. I sit here and cry. It's not even 8am. I have lost everything I worked for, I have lost all the joy for life that I was born with. I hate you, Kurt, I hate you for your mind games during those years, keeping me in two worlds, thinking I could cope. I hate you. My life was beautiful and I lived it with a good heart, I did not live it cursing the living daylights out of it, like I ended up doing with you, no, I lived it in full appreciation of each and every minute, of each and every day, and you then sucked that out of me slowly, I said let's not go to Curacao, you said let's go, then you didn't go, then I got on that bus to go to the airport because I didn't want to waste the ticket, it would be a waste of money had I not taken that flight, we would still be together, and this is what I have to live with each and every day, that my need for survival, which goes back many, many years, and the fact that I could not bring myself to waste money, was the downfall of my entire life. I hate my life. I hate this morning. So many hours to go before I can force myself to sleep again.