Ironically, my downfall was being overly protective of my financial security and this meant that the choices he made that were hurtful became horribly magnified given what I had sacrificed in order to remain with him, which was to permanently moor my life for the man I loved, regardless of his 'busy' lie in 2008, when I took the boat out of the water in the spring of that year to go and 'earn and pine', I did so because my love for him was bigger than my love for the boat, and so I waited one long year to finally be with him, not to finally return to the boat, and what does he do but plan a solo trip to Panama for 3 months, and this hurt me to the core, for obvious reasons, but what also hurt me was that when we finally did meet up, in June of that year, for me to start the rest of my life with him, it bothered me that I had had to buy two flights, one out to Bangkok and then the one out to the US, - I know this sounds pathetic but I was always aware of what I spent my money on and never, ever wasted what I had earned- when I could have flown directly out to Panama and been with my love, having waited so long for this moment, so when we decided to go back out to Thailand, as I so wanted to show him my world, I thought it would be noble of him to pay for the flight back out there, given that he had ruined the original retirement honeymoon period, when I was so sad and confused over in Thailand, crying in the Pink Room, wondering why my darling chose the Hun, over the girl who had moored her dream and then gone back to work because it was more practical than pining alone in the bay and spending money on going nowhere, and his mother had just gifted him $10000, which he asked me to 'launder' so to speak, wow, looking back at that, he was getting me to do something which he wouldn't do himself, he liked to keep off the banking radar, just like him advising me to buy silver online, when he would never, ever do that himself, and this was way back in 2008, when I had committed my life to him, so even that far back he was showing evidence that he actually had no intention of being with me for the long haul, that indeed, I was right all along, he was using me for sex only when convenient for himself, when he was down in Mexico working on his boat, I am so angry with myself for believing in this man, anyway, back to the point of this post, it was this concern with supporting myself in life that backfired on me in the end, as it magnified, to repeat the word, any hurtful thing he did, and I would have liked him to pay for my flight back out to Asia, as a sign of remorse for the Panama kick to the stomach, but he didn't, and in not doing so, it made me into a little bitch, as during the trip, we were splitting everything, and I was very aware of how much I was spending, and it would have been fine if he had tried to make up for Panama, and for what happened earlier on in the year, when he cheated on me, but he didn't and this ate away inside of me, to the point that I even got pissy with him over an extra coffee, an extra coffee, it probably cost only 50 cents but I was so eaten up with this need to protect everything I had saved for, and the fact that I had moored my dream permanently that was evident in my returning to Japan, I just expected more from him, more commitment, more awareness of who had fallen in love with him and her background, what had enabled this girl to get to where she was, to have the dreams she had attained, I wanted him to understand that I was playing with fire altering my direction after retirement, as everything had been planned assuming that I would be living on my boat, learning how to sail and crossing oceans, eventually being able to charge nominal fees for backpackers who'd like to come aboard for awhile, indeed, over in Malaysia, where I have strong ties to Langkawi Island, there were even local friends there who were interested in doing sunset cruises, yes, I had it all planned out but then I fell in love and took my dream out of the water, it was bigger than a dream, it was my life, it was my means, it was everything I had worked for, and so I was extremely protective of it, which is why, I repeat, I reacted intensely to the many thoughtless decisions he made, and the fact that he never even gave me closet space, he encouraged me to buy silver online, why, why when we were going to be together, why couldn't I have physical, too, he would never not have physical, why wouldn't he take my short-skis back to Flag from Japan, help me move some of my stuff, I was changing my life for him, why wouldn't he take those two light Turkish covers, bought for us so that we could make love upon them in the outdoors, why not, why didn't he ever help me move into his life beyond picking me up from bus stations for 90 day limited love visits or taking me to buy boat parts, which also made me wary, as surely it was clear that I had no intention of continuing with my boat dream, and I knew that he had no intention of ever wanting to have my boat in our inventory, he wanted to buy an Amel, so all the time he was taking me to hardware stores etc, I would be thinking, 'This doesn't feel right' and that was one of many reasons why I could not 'relax' and also why I was acutely aware of my financial situation, because the longer I was with him, the more I would be digging into my original freedom kitty, and if he was going to leave me anyway, well, what the fuck, so this is why I demanded more from him, why what he did for me was 'never enough', it was because the scale of commitment was unbalanced, he made zero changes to his life to be with me, he still had his home base, he still went off to Europe to do his business, yes, he did 'chase my ass around the world' but only because he kept putting distance between us and he'd be heading that way anyway, he must have thought me clueless regarding the Europe trips, albeit I did not think he would cheat on me like he did, but I think he wasn't sure if he could win her, and so stayed with me until it was certain, but in doing so, he destroyed my life and turned me into a monster, going crazy with his lack of bringing me totally into his life, a life where I could have full years with him, not having to leave, I know we could have got round it by leaving together every few months, not really though, the US is really strict about repeat visits, they don't trust you, and I'd already had problems, and he saw how much this stressed me, it really destroyed us, but he didn't care, had he cared, he would have done something about it.
I hate my life. I used to love it. Now I am tainted by failure.
His actions caused me to have to keep one foot in my world, which clearly I was prepared to leave behind in 2007, and this is also a huge factor in the destruction of what had been a great love, but then again, hang on, if it had been a great love, why did it end? It ended because 'Love Is Dangerous'. You say that to somebody when you have no intention of fully inviting them into your world, your life.
I cannot believe all of this happened to me. FUCK!