My problem was that I could see through everything and I was overly-protective of my world in that I demanded of him total commitment when it became clear that he wasn't at all concerned for my peace of mind each year, having to count days before having to move out again, not talking about shared dreams, well, being protective of all that I had made up until the point that I fell in love made me react to what I saw, what I felt and what I knew. I would call him out. He would deny but his eyes told a different story. And yet I stayed with him, I still loved him as I cycled back and forth to school during that nuclear year, when he'd lovingly filled capsules with kelp powder to help stop my body from absorbing radioactive particles.
Had I just gone with the flow and allowed all sorts to have continued that had nothing to do with cementing our love with a strong, stable shared foundation, then maybe we would still be together, but I don't think so, I couldn't suffer silently, I always told him what was on my mind, hoping that even though I felt ashamed to admit my fears, hoping that he would see that making for a better day might come if he gave me a little bit of closet space and allowed me to unpack as if he meant it, meant that he loved me more than anybody he had ever loved before, but it never came and instead I was made to feel ungrateful, made to feel crazy because of how he continued to live his life with little or no shared communication regarding his true wishes and intents upon getting all his ducks lined up.
I couldn't go with that flow and that was my downfall.
I couldn't ignore what I felt and saw because I do not dance with deceit.
Looking back I clearly loved him far more than he ever loved me.
And that is why he didn't seek to fix the cause of the pain.
I would spin out of control eventually and he could point the finger my way. Groomed to destruct.