What enables me to get through a day without it being totally consumed by the kind of anguish and distress that could leave one bedridden, with absolutely no motivation to do anything, and yes, I have been there, those weeks in Mexico had me staying in bed for days on end, well, what enables me to get through a day right now, is that I have to believe that this was meant to be, that I was supposed to know what it is like to have failed in life, that I was never meant to have had it so easy, who was I kidding about all those years in Japan, when I was 'blessed' with free or low rent, enabling me to plan and execute my dream, I was never meant to be somebody who at 39 had said to herself, 'I just know that I will reach my death bed and have zero regrets. How blessed I am!', no, I was never meant to be that person, I was never meant to be that person who had always been so happy, annoyingly so, from first thing in a morning, I was so goddamn positive and happy, I even had strangers send me themed presents based upon the character whose moniker is, 'I Love My Life', no, I was not meant to be happy until death do we part and beyond, that wouldn't have been fair, my 'sun' was destined to burn-out, no longer being 'too much', like his first wife said of me, 'You shine like the sun but far too bright!' I mean, now I understand that 'everybody' goes through heartbreak and the loss of all they have worked for and well, how fake would it have been for me to have gotten through this life with nary a regret nor a sad day, how rotten that would have been compared to the lives of everybody else filled with emotional and financial destruction, so yah, that is what enables me to take these directionless steps, trying to believe that it was all meant to be, that something had to come along to add a little balance to a life that I thought was well-lived and harmless enough, apparently not, it's not good to be happy, to dream, to make dreams come true, to love another deeply, to even moor dreams for that person, nope, it was not enough to wake up each day appreciating a new sunrise, excited for the day, no matter how simple a day it might be, excited for the future, without direction there can be no 'now', believe me, and having no direction is what is killing me, so getting back to the point, no matter how happy you are, no matter how fully you try to live life, how loyally you love, it means fuck all, all it means is that now you have to experience the other end of the life emotional spectrum; sadness, grief, loss, directionless, regret. It wouldn't be fair otherwise. It wouldn't be life otherwise. And that is how I get through each day doing just a little bit more than sleeping this life away, I try to believe that the saying, 'Too much of a good thing' has something to it.