There is not enough time left to rebuild a dream.
What I went for, whilst not grand by any means, was the biggest and best I could have made out of my extra-ordinary, with a huge sprinkling of average, life. I did my best, and along the way, before jumping into that truck and mooring my life for a man who had no intention of being with me for the long haul, well, along the way, I had a good time, I saw many beautiful places that would make me cry with gratitude and appreciation, it was never about myself, it was about taking my ancestors with me, showing them that I was strong enough, though moulded from fragile genes, to dream big, whilst having very little, and I had many good times, often random, nothing ever really planned, but everything always feeling like it had a sprinkling of magic to it.

Does what I am doing right now have that magic feeling?

Yes and no. No, because there are only so many dead-end paths I can walk, there is only so much chocolate I am willing to buy at 45 cents a tiny bar, there are only so many years in my life that can be slept through, and 2016 has been the most painful year of my life, the emptiest year of my life, the year where I got reset, reset at Personal Ground Zero, or PGZ, for short, a space I would not recommend to anybody but the person who destroyed all that I had sweetly saved and planned for in life, and this space, well, for a start, it is very grounding, there is nothing dramatic about it, I know that I cannot end my life, it's pointless, as pointless as living my life, and yet through remaining alive, not through choice, I might add, there must be at least some positive benefit to mankind, there must be a reason. I have experienced too much weird good stuff in life to think that this is all just a coincidence, getting to 39 years old and saying to myself, 'I am so lucky that I will get to my deathbed and not have one regret', ha, fucking, ha, how I wish I had never had that thought, and believe me, do not listen to people, it seems that everybody thinks this same thing, do not listen when somebody says, 'Everybody has to hit rock bottom otherwise you would never know what it feels like to be happy'.
BULLSHIT.

Figure it out for yourself, but bear in mind, that if you become destroyed by another, stand up for yourself, tell it like it is, do not allow yourself to cower in front of New Age quotes that put you down and make you feel ashamed for being a victim, just scroll on past that bullshit, and stand up for yourself, write a line or two, tell these people who have played it safe in life, to not judge others until they can say they have tried something a bit out of the box, because, my friends, it is a very lonely world for those who try to live differently, lonely indeed, but preferable, for me, personally, given that I will never be another's slave, albeit, I turned myself into one when I fell in love with that man who from the start warned me, 'Love is dangerous', something that would have never crossed my mind had I been able to continue to explore the world in my adventuresome naivety, merely sharing a passion for life, no strings attached beyond those strings that must clearly bind the few, it seems, who get it.

It's been another empty day. It's horrible. The only thing keeping me going is the possibility that I will be paid to live again, that I will be in an environment that makes me feel different and fuels curiosity, whilst also allowing me to treat myself again, to have some finer things in life, to love myself, to play at life again, to have fun with life, without having to worry about money running out or being robbed. I hope it happens. What else, that is REAL, is there? For sure, I will leave here regardless of the job, I am sad enough, being isolated is really making it worse, it is hell, hell, each day, yes, it is beautiful, yes, I see every single cloud in the forest, every stretch of blue sky of a morning, I hear every animal, I walk dogs and cats and giggle with them, their energy is innocent and connected to the positive, but it is too isolated, and so, what do I do, I only have myself to count on, so I count on Japan, for now, manifesting itself into a sojourn so needed for me, for my spirit, for what, for nothing, just for the fact that clearly I am not meant to die right now, that there is a pull to remain here for a while longer, why, I do not know, were I to teach again, for sure, those students would have one of the best teachers ever, I'm good, I'm real, no need to explain, I know the kids get a good deal with me, and if not, fuck, well, as it is raining and that gives me water, I would go to the lake and leave my stupid fucking suitcase with a friend, indeed, I am just going to get rid of it all, dammit, idiot that I was, to carry my favourite aprons with me and candle holders, I will never have a home, will I, never, I am meant to suffer like this, to get into the 'now', not ever knowing if I have a good salad bowl or a skillet, so now, all I seek is to feel like a princess again, to treat myself, and when I say treat myself, to feel settled, to feel settled enough to get healthy again, to glow again, to be a good person to be around again, simple stuff yet so craved, to feel good again, to feel pretty, to eat 70% cacao chocolate and drink some good fucking wine! Goddammit, I will accept what is brought my way and I will follow and I will hope that I can start feeling like all those years I worked for, were for something meaningful in the end, that I can get closer to death but further from the thought that I will die with regrets, something that I never, ever, ever, thought would happen to me.